BRODY'S MIRACLE MOLECULE

FADE IN.

EXT. DAY. CAMPUS OF THE STATE UNIVERSITY.

CAMERA moves across campus toward distant science building. We see a sign proclaiming this to be the State University as we advance.

CAMERA focuses on the Science Building with name on pediment and finally closes in on the building.

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING.

Door of lab has sign declaring this to be CENTER FOR ARMS RESEARCH. (U. S. Army).

INT. LAB.

A well-equipped science lab with gurgling test tubes, rising vapors, charts listing the basic elements, etc. DAVE BRODY stands at one end of the large room near a box-shaped device mounted in the corner. He wears a white lab coat and holds a pane of glass in his hands. He tilts it this way and that as he examines it critically.

Door opens and FRED BECKER enters and advances toward Dave.

FRED

(looking around)

So. This is where the mad scientist works his black

magic, eh?

(spots pane

of glass)

Don't tell me you do windows now.

DAVE

Only special ones.

Dave moves to a box-shaped structure in the corner and nods for Fred to follow him. He hands the glass to Fred.

DAVE

Here. Hold this.

(points)

Stand over there.

FRED

(taking glass)

Here?

DAVE

Yeah. That's good.

Dave moves to a nearby desk and reaches into a drawer. He pulls out an enormous pistol and proceeds to cram a huge cartridge into the chamber.

FRED

(alarmed)

What's with the gun?

DAVE

(spinning chamber)

To test the glass. It's bullet-proof

and I'm going to shoot...

FRED

Are you crazy? You want to see if

this glass will stop a bullet while I'm

standing behind it?!

Fred dances and ducks as he searches wildly for a place to put the deadly glass before Dave can get a shot off.

DAVE

Relax. It's perfectly safe.

Didn't I tell you the glass was

bullet-proof?

(reaches for it)

Here, give me that, for Christ's

sake!

He takes the glass from Fred and places it in a stand designed to hold such objects. He also places a manikin in the box behind the glass. Dave returns to the desk, takes up the gun, and fires a shot at the glass. It explodes in a shower of fragments and the manikin's head is slammed into the box and bounces out and rolls across the floor with a large hole in its forehead. It comes to rest at Fred's feet.

DAVE

(exasperated)

Shit!

Fred slowly bends down and picks up the head. He stares at it in disbelief and then looks at Dave.

FRED

(outraged)

You are crazy?! You could have

killed me!

(holds out head)

This could be my head we're

looking at here!

Dave tosses the gun into the drawer and moves off.

DAVE

Don't be silly. It that were

your head only one of us would

be looking at it.

Fred looks at the head and shudders. He tosses it away.

FRED

You'll go too far one of these

days. You're losing your grip.

DAVE

Why shouldn't I be losing my grip?

Look what I do all day.

(gestures at lab)

Arms research for the U. S. Army.

Invent new ways to kill people.

(snatches up plans)

Plans for a new poison gas designed

to kill crops but not people.

(beat, wryly)

The people get to die later of starvation.

(points to gurgling

test tubes)

Chemical warfare shit to paralyze

whole cities at a time.

(rattles box)

Exploding bullets so we can

make even bigger holes in each other.

(holds up bayonet)

Self-cleaning bayonets yet.

Dave tosses the bayonet down in disgust and plops dejectedly onto a stool.

FRED

(surveying lab)

Yeah, you've got a pretty shitty

job, all right, but if you

want to know the real meaning

FRED (cont’d)

of despair, try teaching

freshman English.

(picks up model)

What's this?

DAVE

(looking up)

Oh, that's my idea for the

ultimate bomb. It kills whoever

sets it off.

FRED

(puzzled)

But nobody could ever use such

a bomb.

DAVE

(nodding)

Yeah.

FRED

Oh.

(beat)

Good idea.

Fred gingerly puts the model down.

DAVE

(drily)

It's the one project in the

place I've got any hope for.

FRED

You're depressing me. Come

on, let's go get a beer and

cool out.

DAVE

(perking up)

Wait. You've met Mr. Hyde. Now

let’s meet Dr. Jekyll. Follow me.

Dave moves to a door in the far wall. He takes out a key and unlocks it and enters. Fred follows him into a mini-lab cluttered with paraphernalia and containing a wall of cages with white rats and a monkey.

DAVE

(gesturing)

Welcome to my inner-sanctum,

a sane place in a mad world.

No bombs here, no bullets.

Just pure science.

FRED

(peering into

microscope)

What are you looking for?

DAVE

Endorphins.

FRED

(looking up)

Endorphins?

DAVE

Amino acids.

(readies food

as he talks)

They work on the pleasure

center of the brain. If I

make the right changes with the

right chemicals, I could make

an agent that would give people

the ultimate pleasure.

FRED

A pleasure pill?

DAVE

You got it.

(moves to cages)

A pill so good it could make

sex obsolete.

FRED

Nothing's better than sex.

DAVE

Wanna bet?

FRED

(impressed)

Hey, you're serious! Jeez, a pill

like that would make you rich overnight.

DAVE

(absently)

Yeah. Then I could tell the army

to go to hell.

(comes to)

Say hi to some of my assistants.

These guys do all my testing

for me.

FRED

(poking finger

at rats)

Poor bastards.

DAVE

(laughs)

No, they aren't. These guys lead

interesting lives.

(to rats)

Don't you, boys?

(moves to the monkey)

This is Bob. He's my chief

tester. He tests everything that

doesn't kill the rats, and I try

it if it doesn't kill him.

CAMERA on Bob. He's a cute monkey of the sort found in the company of organ grinders on street corners. Bob wears a small hat held on with a chin strap and holds a cigarette in one hand. There are articles of miniature monkey clothing lying around in the cage including sunglasses, a little coat, etc.

FRED

(reaches for cage)

Where did you get this guy?

DAVE

Careful! Monkeys are mean

critters. They bite.

(pets Bob)

Bob's pretty even tempered as

a rule, but when he gets riled up

he'll throw stuff and piss on

you and...

FRED

He pisses on you?

DAVE

He's got a range of ten feet

or more. You could use him for a

fire hose.

Fred steps back a bit out of range.

FRED

Where'd you get him?

DAVE

(lights Bob's cigarette)

Rescued him from a lab in

Oregon. They were doing research

on smoking and the poor little

tyke got hooked on cigarettes.

He gets pissed if he can't smoke.

(beat)

Before that he was a circus

monkey. Did somersaults on the

back of a galloping horse.

(pets him)

If I ever find what I'm looking

for, Bob here will be the first to know.

FRED

How close are you?

DAVE

Can't say. Could be any day

or never. It doesn't matter. It's

doing real science that counts.

FRED

(looking around)

I'm impressed.

DAVE

(starts out)

Well, let's go have that beer

you were talking about.

FRED

Right. Beer can do good things

to one's pleasure center, too.

They start out.

EXT. DAY. CAMPUS TAVERN.

Dave and Fred stop on the sidewalk in front of the tavern and examine headline in newsstand. Headline proclaims that two more countries now have the atomic bomb.

DAVE

(picks up paper)

The assholes won't be satisfied

until they blow us all up.

(reads)

"Terrorists Blow Up School Bus."

(frowns, reads on)

"Riots in India Leave Forty Dead."

(shakes head)

"Mayor Indicted in Porn Scandal."

(drops paper

in disgust)

What's the world coming to?

FRED

(drily)

It looks like it's coming to an end.

DAVE

You're right. Let's get that

beer before it's too late.

They enter the tavern. As they move inside Fred looks back over his shoulder and up into the sky as though looking for an approaching bomb.

INT. TAVERN.

Dave leads the way and stops when he spots table at which friends TOM FORBES, JACK MARSH, and MARY ATKINS are seated

DAVE

Well, I see the regulars are

here.

(to waitress,

imperially)

Give 'em all drinks, lass...

(points to Tom)

...and give that man the check!

TOM

Brody's here! Break out the

cheap wine!

JACK

It's the mad scientist himself!

MARY

Hi, Dave. How's the bomb business?

DAVE

(to Fred)

They're a scurrilous lot, but

they're the only people on the

whole goddam campus who'll

tolerate me socially.

TOM

(to Fred)

It's true. The guy's a pariah.

DAVE

(to waitress)

Beer for me and my pal here.

And bring them another round.

MARY

No more for me. I've got to walk home.

Waitress nods and goes off.

DAVE

(introducing Fred)

Fred Becker, this is Tom Forbes,

Mary Atkins, and Jack Marsh.

Jack and Mary are in business

and Tom's in law.

(to others)

Fred's in English. He was at

Ohio State last year.

All mutter hello, shake hands, etc.

TOM

So how goes the research, Dave?

Any major breakthroughs?

JACK

Yeah. Got any more samples

of your near misses?

DAVE

(reaching for pocket)

As a matter of fact, I do

have some recent rejects here.

ED is passing their table and stops.

ED

Dave! How's it going, ol' buddy?

DAVE

(looking up)

Oh, hi, Ed. Good, pretty good.

How about you?

ED

Okay.

(leaning in)

Say, you got any more of those

little red ones? You know, the shiny ones?

DAVE

Not a one, Ed. I gave the

last of 'em to the dean the other day.

ED

(snaps fingers)

Damn. That's too bad.

(half to himself)

You know, those were the most

entertaining little rascals...

Dave has by now finished pulling his hand from his pocket and he opens it and holds it out to Ed.

DAVE

Here, try one of these. They're

not as good as the red ones but

you'll like 'em.

ED

(brightening)

Well, let's find out.

(takes one, leans in)

Say, Dave, are you sure those

little red ones aren't the one

you're looking for? They did the

most remarkable things...

DAVE

(shakes head)

No. Good as they were, they're

not it. I'll know when I've got

the real thing–or Bob will.

ED

(somberly)

Think of it. A monkey decides

the fate of the world.

MARY

Haven't they always?

Ed shakes his head and leaves. Others call for samples.

JACK

Give us one of those.

TOM

Yeah, don't forget, we've been

testees right from the start.

MARY

That's right...

(dubiously)

...though I'm not sure I want to

be included with the testees.

They all reach for the little white pills.

FRED

Uh, isn't that against the law

or something? I mean, what if

the DEA people find out?

TOM

Dave's legit, Fred. Legally these

things don't even exist–and you

can't have a law against something

that doesn't exist.

DAVE

(explaining)

When I change the molecular

structure of a chemical, I get

something entirely new, something

the world's never seen before.

There's nothing illegal in it.

(indicates pills)

These are an experiment that

didn't work, that's all.

JACK

And that's why we regard him as a

friend to all mankind

DAVE

(laughing)

If I give up this research and

start looking for a better aspirin,

I'll never see any of you guys again.

All agree and make appropriate remarks.

TOM

Well, you're right about that!

JACK

Even we wouldn't tolerate you then.

MARY

Don't you believe it, Dave.

We love you in spite of your failures.

FRED

Or because of them?

DAVE

Here, have one of my failures, Fred.

Fred shrugs and takes the small white pill from Dave's palm. All look at each other and toss down their pills. After a moment a slight tremor seems to pass through each of them and they break into smiles and nod to each other and sit back with relaxed airs.

JACK

Now that's unique!

MARY

(incredulously)

The red ones are better than

this?!

FRED

Wow! You call this a failure?

TOM

(raising glass)

To Dr. Brody's failures.

All smile and raise their glasses and drink to Dave.

INT. DAY. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave works intently at table with microscope. Classical music emanates from a radio and Bob chatters now and then. CAMERA CLOSES on Dave's hand as he carefully lifts a small amount of a powdery substance onto a tiny spoon and puts it into thimble-sized cup of water.

DAVE

Okay, Bob, number eighty-eight

coming up. It didn't do much for

the rats; let's see what it does

for a slightly higher intellect.

(Bob chatters loudly;

Dave looks at him)

Okay, a much higher intellect.

Bob nods and chatters approval. Dave moves to his cage and carefully hands him the thimble of water that Bob quickly tosses down. Bob lets the cup fall from his hands and settles down to stare into space. Dave watches intently for a few seconds.

DAVE (cont'd)

Hmmm. No revelations, eh?

No glimpses of monkey heaven, no

burst of insight into the nature

of monkey truth?

(sighs)

Well, we'll keep an eye on it

and see what happens.

Dave turns away from the cage and looks up to see a very attractive young woman standing in the doorway from the outer lab. She's in her late twenties and carries a notebook.

SHEILA

Dr. David Brody?

DAVE

(bows slightly)

The very same. And you are...?

SHEILA

(entering lab)

Sheila James from the Times. We're

doing a series on the drug culture of

the new century and I'd like to interview you

on the subject if I may.

DAVE

(shrugging)

Sure, but why me? I'm not

part of the drug culture.

SHEILA

But you are doing drug research?

DAVE

I'm a research scientist...

SHEILA

But don't you want to tell

your side of the story?

DAVE

What story?

SHEILA

The one I've been assigned to write.

(traces headline

in air)

"Dr. Brody Turns On Campus, Says

The World Is Next."

(reads from

notebook)

"Dr. David Brody is turning

the campus of the State University

into a mecca for substance abusers by...

DAVE

(angrily)

That's bullshit.

SHEILA

(smugly)

Is it?

DAVE

It's a half-truth at best…

SHEILA

Good. Give me the other half.

(beat, Dave frowns)

Look, Dr. Brody, let me start

over. My editor wants a drug

piece. A friend told me about

your search for a new drug

called Euphoria. I thought it

might tie in with my drugs in

the 21^st century piece.

DAVE

(gestures)

I do pure research in molecular

chemistry. I restructure molecules.

That's all. I'm looking for

Euphoria and so are a lot of my

colleagues.

SHEILA

But won't Euphoria change

people's behavior?

DAVE

So will Prozac and codeine and Demerol…

SHEILA

But what has that...?

DAVE

(earnestly)

All right, suppose we could come

up with a new chemical or...

(holds up phial)

...a new molecule that would give

people unimaginable pleasure, turn

dreariness into unremitting joy,

maybe even change the way people

think and act so they might

stop behaving like assholes all the time.

(beat)

What would you think of such

a "drug"?

SHEILA

(awed)

Can you do that?

DAVE

We think we can.

SHEILA

(interested)

Uh, how much can you change

the amount of pleasure people

experience?

DAVE

Well, you're acquainted with sexual

pleasure, of course?

SHEILA

(taken aback)

Well, uh, of course...

DAVE

Better than that.

SHEILA

Better than...?

(beat, astounded)

You're kidding!

DAVE

(smiling)

I'm glad to see your reaction.

It indicates you've had some

profoundly moving sexual experiences.

SHEILA

(smiles engagingly)

You're not just a fast man with

a molecule, Dr. Brody. You have a

ready wit as well.

DAVE

(smiles, shrugs)

Now that you have the whole truth,

you can see there's no need to interview me.

SHEILA

(uncertainly)

Well, the Times isn't a scandal

sheet; we don't engage in

irresponsible journalism...

DAVE

That means you won't include me

in your story then?

SHEILA

Well, our series is about

illegal drugs so...

They stand together in a brief moment of uncertainty as Sheila hesitates before taking her leave.

DAVE

Thanks.

SHEILA

It's okay.

(surveys lab)

How close are you to finding this

Euphoria?

DAVE

(eyeing her)

It depends. Sometimes euphoria

is within arm's reach...

(she smiles

self-consciously)

...and sometimes you think the stuff

doesn't even exist.

(this last

resignedly)

SHEILA

Are you getting any closer to it?

DAVE

Sure. I know eighty-eight things that

don't work. I've got a couple million

to go.

SHEILA (laughs)

I'll leave you out of the story if you'll

promise I'll be the first one

you tell when you find Euphoria.

DAVE

Deal!

Dave offers his hand to seal the bargain. Sheila takes hand, holds it briefly, then turns to leave.

DAVE

(stopping her)

Here. Try this when you get home tonight.

He hands her a small white pill. She looks at it.

DAVE

It's one of my failures. You'll like it.

SHEILA

(smiling)

Okay, I will. Thanks. I'll let you know what happens.

DAVE

Do that. In the interest of science, of course.

She disappears through doorway into the outer lab. Dave watches her go and sighs.

DAVE

(half-aloud)

Euphoria comes in many forms.

He turns back to his work. At this moment, Bob suddenly begins chattering and raising Cain in his cage. Dave looks up and moves to cage.

DAVE

Hey! What's the matter with

you? You're acting like a goddam

monkey. Cut that out!

Bob is pissed. He throws stuff from the cage, rattles bars, chatters and spits. Dave watches him for a moment then turns to get something from the table behind him. His back is to Bob who is OS and we see a stream of piss splash against the back of his head. Dave ducks away and covers up as he whirls to face his assailant. Bob stands at the bars holding his donniker in both hands and chattering angrily.

DAVE

(enraged)

Why, you little bastard! You

can't piss on me, you simian asshole!

(reaches for cage)

I'll break your scrawny little neck, you...!

Suddenly, Dave stops and stands with both hands out in strangling position. Bob dances and spits and carries on. Dave lowers his hands and moves to the table where his latest experiment reposes in a container. He picks it up, looks at it, and throws it back down as he moves to the sink to wash piss off.

DAVE

(toweling off)

Shit.

(looks around)

I'm going backwards. I got the

exact opposite of what I'm looking for.

(moves to table,

picks up powder)

This stuff turns him into

an average monkey. No samples

from this shit. If there's one

thing we don't need, it's more

people acting like the average man.

He tosses the bottle into nearby wastebasket and sits wearily down and props his feet up on the table. He closes his eyes just as Fred enters carrying a heavy briefcase.

FRED

What's this? Sleeping on the

job, are we? That's no way to

get ahead in modern America.

DAVE

(looking up)

Hi, Fred. I wasn't sleeping. I was just

contemplating my latest failure.

FRED

(interested)

Another failure? What'd you

do with the samples?

DAVE

You don't want this one.

(points)

Look what it did to Bob.

CAMERA on Bob in cage where he continues to berate the neighborhood and carry on.

FRED

Boy, is he pissed! What'd you do to him?

DAVE

Experiment number eighty-eight.

Changed him from a decent monkey

into an average one. It'd do

the same thing to people.

FRED

(shudders)

That's a fate worse than death.

Deep-six that stuff.

DAVE

I already did.

Fred reaches into briefcase and pulls out a bottle of Scotch.

FRED

One of my students gave me a

bottle of my favorite Scotch.

He hopes it'll improve his grade.

DAVE

Will it?

FRED

Sure. His writing gets better

every time I take a drink of

this stuff. By the time I finish

the bottle, he'll be writing like Hemingway.

Dave finds two beakers and hands them to Fred who pours a generous dollop of Scotch into them.

DAVE

(raising glass)

Here's looking up your kilt.

They drink.

FRED

There. Now you're ready for

experiment number eighty-nine.

DAVE

(wearily)

I don't know. Maybe I'm wasting

my time. There are millions of

molecules and I'm only up to

eighty-nine.

FRED

But maybe there's more than

one right molecule.

DAVE

Maybe.

Fred moves down nearer–but not too near–Bob's cage. He stands looking at him for a moment.

FRED

Why don't you just reverse

this molecule and see if it

changes him the other way?

DAVE

(not listening)

What?

Fred moves back and sits at desk.

FRED

You know, turn the thing around

the opposite way and see if

it turns him around, too.

DAVE

You mean use its mirror image?

FRED

Sure.

DAVE

(thinking)

Hmm. Turn it around, eh?

FRED

Yeah. Just turn the damn thing

around. You can’t make him any worse

off than he already is.

Dave is thinking. He looks at Bob and then at the wastebasket where he tossed #88. He bends down and takes container from the wastebasket and looks at it.

FRED

Come on, let's go over to the health

club and watch the girls work out.

Dave is lost in thought for a minute, then looks up.

DAVE

No, you go ahead. I've got some work to do.

FRED

Hey, if this turns out to be

Euphoria, I want a percentage.

DAVE

(absently)

Don't worry, you'll be taken care of.

FRED

(rises)

Hmm. That has an ominous

ring to it. Just forget I said anything.

Fred reaches the door when Dave looks up and calls to him.

DAVE

Hey! Aren't you going to leave the Scotch?

FRED

Hell, no.

(holds up briefcase)

I need it to turn these guys

into a bunch of Hemingways.

Fred leaves and Dave shakes his head and turns to his work.

EXT. DAY. SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF SCIENCE BUILDING.

Dave is heading up the walk when a car pulls to the curb and the driver honks. Dave turns and sees Sheila waving to him. He goes toward car and leans in.

SHEILA

(exits car)

Hi! I tried to call but I missed you.

DAVE

So you came in person. That's even better.

SHEILA

(hesitates, smiles)

Yes, it is, isn't it?

(beat)

Listen, I wanted to tell you

about that pill you gave me!

What's in that stuff? I never

experienced anything like it

in my whole life before! It was wonderful!

DAVE

(nodding)

I thought you'd like it.

SHEILA

Like it?! It was incredible!

You'll get a Nobel Prize for it.

DAVE

Whoa! Wait a minute. Remember, that

was a failure. It's not what I'm

looking for.

SHEILA

What? You mean you plan to make

something better?

DAVE

I already have. Most people

like some red ones better, but

they weren't right, either.

SHEILA

(earnestly)

Look, if you ever find anything

better, remember you said you'd call me first.

DAVE

Absolutely. You have my word.

SHEILA

(noting time)

Oh, I've got to go. I'm due at a

meeting in half an hour.

(starts off,

turns back)

Remember, you call me!

She puts the car in gear and starts off. Dave resumes his journey.

INT. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave works at table. Music from radio. Bob is quiet. Dave is seen repeating bit with thimble-sized cup and powdery substance. He moves to cage.

DAVE

Okay, Bob, here you go. One

for the road, as they say.

Drink her down like a good

monkey and see if we can change

you into a better one.

Bob tosses down contents of cup, drops it, and stands uncertainly for a moment. He wobbles unsteadily before steadying himself and settling down to stare into space. Dave watches anxiously for a moment or two.

DAVE

No nirvana? Still no flash of

understanding?

(sighs, turns

away)

Okay, we'll give it a chance.

Dave goes about his work in the lab. He bends over his microscope, mixes some stuff, etc. As he moves about the lab the CAMERA follows him and we see various parts of the room. Finally, Dave is near Bob's cage and CAMERA shows us shot of Bob lying full-length on his back with his head resting on a banana. His legs are crossed, he wears his little hat and coat and sunglasses. His hands are folded calmly on his stomach and an unlighted cigarette dangles from one corner of his mouth. He is obviously at peace with the world.

Dave doesn't spot Bob right away. After a moment he turns and walks past the cage a step or two and suddenly stops and stares open-mouthed at nothing. He slowly turns and stares at Bob in wonder and disbelief. He advances to the cage and gapes at the sight before him.

DAVE

(half-aloud)

I'll be a sonofabitch!

He hurries to his desk and snatches up a notebook and goes back to the cage where he sits down and begins making notes.

DAVE'S LAB. A WEEK LATER.

Dave lounges at a table while Bob sits calmly on file cabinet nearby. Dave reaches for phone and punches in a number.

DAVE

(waits, listens)

Tom? Dave. Listen, get Mary

and Jack and come on over to

the lab, will you? Yeah, it's

important.

(beat)

Right.

(hangs up

redials)

Fred? Dave here. You busy?

Well, forget that and stop by

the lab. Yeah, right now. Okay.

He hangs up and smiles at Bob.

DAVE

(to Bob)

Well, we did it, Bob. We

found the needle in the goddam

haystack. Nothing can stop us now.

Bob chatters amiably.

DISSOLVE.

Tom, Jack, Fred, and Mary have joined Dave in the lab.

JACK

(entering last)

What's going on?

TOM

I don't know but it better be good.

FRED

Yeah, I could be home reading

freshman English themes, you know.

MARY

I'll bet Dave's found Euphoria!

TOM

Is that was this is all about?

FRED

Is that it? You found it?

Dave surveys his audience and smiles.

DAVE

To quote Archimedes, yes. I've found it.

JACK

Holy shit!

TOM

You really did it? Is it as

good as you thought it would be?

DAVE

Better. It exceeds my wildest

dreams.

(holds up bottle)

Folks, you're not only witnessing

an historic moment, you'll also

be the first to experience Euphoria

–after Bob and me, that is.

(proffers bottle)

Help yourselves.

FRED

(examining bottle)

How does it work, Dave?

DAVE

It can't be described. The only way

to find out is to try it.

Fred looks at the others and then shakes out a little blue pill and hands the bottle around. All look from the pill each holds to each other and back to Dave.

MARY

How long does it last?

DAVE

Like the others, about six

hours. Once it wears off, there's a kind of

after-glow that lingers through the next

day, but it's essentially gone in six

DAVE (cont’d)

hours. And it has no side effects. You

can walk or talk or even operate heavy machinery.

They look at each other.

FRED

(shrugging)

Well, what the hell, let's

see the world as it really should be.

Others comment, "Why not?" "What have we got to lose?" They each toss down little blue pills. Dave doesn't take any; he settles down with his notebook and prepares to observe.

Almost immediately each is wobbled noticeably and very slight smiles appear on each face and quickly grow into wide smiles as the intense pleasure surges through them. Dave takes notes.

INT. NIGHT. A RESTAURANT.

Dave and Sheila are having dinner the next evening. Sheila holds a small bottle of Euphoria.

DAVE

So now you can run the story.

SHEILA

Do you think I should try it first?

DAVE

Yes, some place where you won't

be distracted. Like my place.

SHEILA

(with amused coyness)

Are you sure there won't be any distractions?

DAVE

Well, maybe just a few.

(signals for check)

In fact, I'll tell you what.

Let's get the distractions out

of the way first before

you try Euphoria.

(beat, drily)

I'll have a better chance of

looking good if you're not

comparing me with that stuff.

SHEILA

(laughing)

Are you afraid you won't

measure up in the pleasure department?

DAVE

Nobody would. You'll see.

SHEILA

Hmm. I can hardly wait.

Waiter arrives and Dave deals with the check.

INT. NIGHT. DAVE'S APARTMENT.

The light in the room is low, so low that the nudity in the scene is not all that easy to focus on. CAMERA CLOSE on couple in bed. They've just finished making love.

SHEILA

(snuggling)

Hmm. That's my idea of euphoria!

DAVE

I was right. You are a woman

who's known profoundly moving

sexual experiences.

SHEILA

Still think Euphoria can top that?

DAVE

You'll see. In fact, the moment

of truth has arrived.

(starts from bed)

SHEILA

I'd have sworn we just had the

moment of truth.

Dave moves about in the darkened room as he gets pills.

DAVE

Ah, but there are many truths;

that was only one of 'em.

(finds pills)

Here we are. Now you can learn

the truth about truth.

He hands the bottle to Sheila and she examines it closely as though trying to fathom its mysteries by scrutiny alone.

SHEILA

What happens next?

DAVE

Find out for yourself. Bottoms up.

Sheila turns and props the pillows behind her against the headboard, opens the bottle and shakes out a pill. She looks at Dave who picks up his notebook and makes an entry.

SHEILA

You aren't going to join me?

DAVE

Not this time. I want some notes

on your reactions.

SHEILA

Okay, down the hatch.

Sheila swallows the pill. She sits cross-legged on the bed in the dim light and wobbles noticeably as it hits home. The same soft smile lights up her face and it quickly spreads into the kind of smile that could only be inspired by something truly remarkable. She slowly lies back on the pillows and closes her eyes as pure pleasure courses through her body.

INT. DAY. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave is at his desk. Fred and Tom are with him.

TOM

Did you patent this stuff yet?

DAVE

Can't. If I do I'll have to tell 'em what's in it. If

they know that, they can ban it.

TOM

But won't somebody else find out

how to make it?

DAVE

No chance. There are millions

of molecules out there. Besides,

even if they found it they wouldn't

know what to do with it. Right, Fred?

FRED

(grins)

Not unless I tell them.

TOM

You're starting with Goliath?

DAVE

Yeah. In an hour. I've got an

appointment with the head man.

FRED

It's a cinch. Who could say no to Euphoria?

DAVE

It won't be that easy. They'll

want to test it.

TOM

How can they do that if you

won't tell them how to make it?

DAVE

I'll give 'em some. They can run

tests from the samples.

TOM

I hope they don't bury you in

red tape and bullshit, Dave.

DAVE

If they do we go to plan B.

FRED

Which is...?

DAVE

A secret. But it involves both

of you.

TOM

(feigning concern)

Sounds ominous.

DAVE

I hope not.

(checks time)

Hey, I've got to get going.

FRED

Yeah, don't keep the head man

waiting.

They make ready to leave. Dave gets a bottle of Euphoria pills from the table and shakes some out.

DAVE

Here. Test these on your own time.

TOM

Well, I guess I could try

a couple in the interests of

aiding research.

FRED

(grinning)

Yeah. Me, too.

They start out.

DAVE

(shaking bottle)

I think I'll broaden my

research base. We need some

more testees. Keep an eye out

for volunteers.

EXT. DAY. CAMPUS.

Dave, Tom, and Fred are seen crossing campus. They stop a couple known to them and Dave hands them some pills which they toss right down. The couple waves and starts off when they suddenly wobble noticeably and move wonderingly to a nearby bench where they sit and gaze into the middle distance in awe.

Dave and party move on and meet an old codger with beard and cane. Dave slips him a pill and the old codger pops it straight on in. He doffs his hat and starts off only to get hit by the usual wobblies. CAMERA on his face as smile spreads and joy engulfs the old duffer. He walks with a sure step and unaided by cane to nearby bench and sits down and looks truth in the face in silent wonder.

As Dave and friends continue across campus, they dispense more pills and leave

a trail of amazed people in their wake.

EXT. DAY. PARKING LOT OF GOLIATH CHEMICALS.

CAMERA on Dave as he climbs from his car. He stands for a moment looking at the facade of the building, then moves resolutely toward it.

INT. OUTER OFFICE.

Dave enters and approaches RECEPTIONIST.

DAVE

HI. I'm David Brody. I have an

appointment with Mr. Goliath.

RECEPT.

(curtly)

Mr. Goliath never sees anyone.

DAVE

Why? Is he blind?

RECEPT.

(icily)

Your appointment is with Mr.

Rossiter. He's our vice-president

in charge of new products.

(turning away)

Your appointment is for eleven.

That's in ten minutes.

The receptionist has been drinking from a small Oriental cup containing hot tea. As Dave starts to turn away he takes a pill from his pocket and holds it over her cup a second before shrugging and putting it back in his pocket. He moves to a chair and sits down.

Dave picks up a magazine on the table and begins reading it. CAMERA on clock showing eleven sharp. Buzzer sounds on receptionist's desk and she calls to Dave.

RECEPT.

Mr. Rossiter will see you now,

Mr. Brody.

Dave rises and starts past her.

DAVE

I'll tell Mr. Rossiter you're

doing a fine job out here.

Receptionist frowns and looks to her typing. Dave shrugs and enters office.

ROSSITER'S OFFICE.

A large, elegant room. ROSSITER sits at a massive desk.

ROSSITER

Come in, Dr. Brody! Come in!

(rises)

A pleasure to meet you. It's

always a pleasure to meet

members of the scientific community.

(offers hand)

Here, please sit down.

Dave shakes hands and takes proffered seat.

DAVE

Thanks. That's a very warm

welcome. I hope it...

ROSSITER

(offers humidor)

Nothing's too good for a man with a

potential new product, Dr. Brody. Have a cigar?

DAVE

No, thanks.

ROSSITER

Good. Now let's get right down to business.

(picks up letter)

You say you've come up with a

restructured molecule that works

on the brain's pleasure center?

DAVE

It does even more than that.

My discovery will revolutionize

the pharmaceutical industry, Mr.

Rossiter. It's the world's greatest tranquilizer

and pleasure stimulant and...

ROSSITER

(interrupting, concerned)

Tranquilizer? But Goliath Chemicals

already makes two-thirds of

the world's tranquilizers, Dr.

Brody. A new one would upset the market.

DAVE

(confidently)

You won't need the rest of

them with Euphoria.

ROSSITER

(aghast)

Won't need the rest of them?!

Dr. Brody, those tranquilizers

account for two billion dollars

of our annual business! We can't

allow anything to interfere with

our tranquilizer sales!

DAVE

You don't understand, Mr.

Rossiter. Euphoria is also a mind

expanding agent. It's much more

than a simple tranquilizer and...

ROSSITER

(frowning)

Mind expanding? We'll have to

deal with the drug enforcement

agencies. Will it be approved by the FDA?

DAVE

Look, Mr. Rossiter, I...

ROSSITER

Dr. Brody, ours is a complicated

business. Your new molecule has

to be tested by half a dozen

agencies at the local, state,

and national levels. We have to

set up panels, form committees,

get licenses and permits and...

DAVE

So the answer is no.

ROSSITER

I didn't say no...

DAVE

(rises)

Yes, you did. You just hid it

under the bullshit. Thanks for your time.

Dave starts out.

ROSSITER

(calling)

Wait. Let us have us an option on it and...

Dave leaves without looking back. He moves through the outer office and the receptionist sniffs haughtily as he goes by. He reaches the door before suddenly turning and tip-toeing to desk where he drops pill into her tea. He gives the back of her head a Stan Laurel smile and nod of head.

INT. DAY. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave, Jack, Fred, and Mary are present. They're drinking coffee from beakers and eating crullers.

DAVE

(dejectedly)

It's the DEA. It's no use. Nobody will touch

Euphoria. That asshole at Goliath was

right. It's the same every place I go.

(points to forms)

Look at this crap. Forms to fill out, requests

for my research data, inquiries from

the DEA. It'll take ten years to get Euphoria

on the market at this rate–if I can do it at all.

MARY

What about the army? They might

be interested in using Euphoria on

our enemies.

JACK

We don't have any enemies.

FRED

Maybe we could invade somebody.

DAVE

Are you kidding?

(grabs letters)

Those assholes already want to ban it!

They say if I don't give 'em the formula

so they can check it out, they'll sic the

drug enforcement people on my ass.

Tom enters.

TOM

Okay, Dave, I got what you wanted. I've

checked the law inside and out and it's

as I thought. As long as they don't

know what's in Euphoria, there's

almost nothing they can do.

DAVE

What do you mean almost nothing?

TOM

They can make a helluva lot of trouble

for you even if they can't put you in jail.

JACK

What kind of trouble?

TOM

They can haul you into court on a lot of

bullshit charges, harass you night and day,

fill your mailbox with injunctions and court

orders, follow you all over town...

MARY

(incredulous)

Do you mean the government can

do all that even though Dave

hasn't broken any laws?

TOM

Damn right they can. And they will, too.

DAVE

Okay, how can I fight 'em?

TOM

Only with a lot of money. Get some

good lawyers and fight them in the

courts. You can tie them up for years

if you have enough money.

Dave reflects for a moment. He searches out each face as though looking for an answer there. Then he decides and reaches resolutely for the phone and punches in a number.

DAVE

Plan B.

(into phone)

Yeah. Miss James, please.

(beat)

Sheila? Hi. Dave here. Fine, yeah.

Listen, I want you to place an ad for me

in the Times for tomorrow. A full page.

That's right, a full page.

(beat)

No, how much does it cost? Twenty

grand?! For one lousy ad? Shit. Hold

DAVE (cont'd)

on a minute.

(to others)

Listen, I'm going to produce Euphoria

myself. I need some money for an ad

Twenty grand. I've got about eight in the

bank. Can you guys cover the rest?

They hesitate, look at each other.

FRED

(nodding)

I've got some money...

MARY

Me, too.

JACK

Count me in.

TOM

I'm in.

DAVE

Great! You guys won't regret it. I'll

make you all rich by the end of the

week.

(into phone)

Okay. I got the money. Yeah. For

tomorrow. I'll be right down with the

cash and the copy I want. Okay.

(hangs up,

turns to others)

That's Plan B. I market Euphoria myself.

I'll make it, package it, distribute it,

the whole shot. And you guys are going to

help me.

(to MARY)

Mary, you're the accountant so you keep

the books. Tom can take care of the legal

stuff and Jack will run the operation.

Fred will handle sales and PR and I'll

take care of production.

(to MARY)

Oh, stop by and get us a postal box, will

you, Mary?

She nods and makes notes.

FRED

Hey, if this works I'll never teach

freshman English again!

DAVE

It'll work. Euphoria will be the biggest thing

that ever hit the planet.

(businesslike)

Okay, first things first. You guys go

round up the cash for the ad while I

put the copy together. Get back here

as quick as you can.

All rise and start out.

JACK

Right, Chief!

They leave and Dave leans over writing paper and begins composing ad.

INT. DAY. POST OFFICE.

Mary at window negotiates with CLERK.

MARY

I'm putting an ad in tomorrow's

paper and I need a postal box.

CLERK

What size box would you like?

MARY

Well, what sizes do you have?

CLERK

We've got little ones like this...

(shows size with hands)

...or some this big or large ones about

like this.

MARY

Hmmm. I'm not sure just how much

mail we'll get...

CLERK

How big is the ad?

MARY

A full page in the Times.

CLERK

A full page? Then you'll need the large

size. You could easily get dozens of

answers from an ad that big.

MARY

Okay, I'll take the large one..

Clerk nods and begins stamping various forms.

INT. DAY. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave and Fred are working at table when Sheila enters with paper containing ad.

SHEILA

I got an early edition of the paper,

Dave. Your ad's in it.

DAVE

Here, let me see that.

(takes paper, looks for ad)

I can't wait to see what twenty thousand

bucks looks like.

Dave locates the right page and spreads paper out on the table. CAMERA focuses on ad announcing the availability of Euphoria Ad layout is something like the following:

DR. BRODY'S MIRACLE MOLECULE!

EUPHORIA!

Dr. Brody announces the availability

of his newly discovered MIRACLE

MOLECULE EUPHORIA!

Mellow out. See the world not as it is

but as it can be. Be the first in your

neighborhood to learn the secrets of of the Universe!

* Laboratory tested * Guaranteed safe

* Triple money back guarantee * Completely legal

Send $20.00 per unit to:

EUPHORIA!

DR. BRODY

BOX 1212 92129 CITY

Dave nods affirmatively and looks up.

DAVE

Good. Just what I wanted.

SHEILA

I think it'll get their attention.

FRED

Are we ready to fill orders?

DAVE

Sure. Mary rented the postal box and

loaded up on stamps and envelopes,

and I made up over a thousand pills. We're ready for anything with more on

‘ the way.

Fred hoists coffee cup.

FRED

To Dr. Brody, Mad Scientist, Inc!

DAVE

(jumping up)

We need something more than coffee

for this occasion!

He moves to where he's laid out supplies and gets some pills. He gives one to each of them and hands one to Bob, too. Bob takes it eagerly and tosses it down. He is, incidentally, a much more subdued and amiable monkey now that he's on a steady diet of Euphoria

DAVE

(holding pill aloft)

To us!

MARY

To Fortune!

SHEILA

To the lucky people who answer the ad!

They toss down pills and settle down for the onslaught of Euphoria.

EXT. DAY. A CITY STREET

Some dudes are loitering on a street corner. One has a newspaper.

FIRST DUDE

Right there, man! See that? Only

twenty bucks for Euphoria!

SECOND DUDE

No shit? Man, tha's a pretty good deal.

(to pal)

Hey, len' me twenty bucks, Alvin.

EXT. DAY. CAMPUS OF UNIVERSITY.

Students are grouped here and there discussing ad. CAMERA closes on one of groups.

FIRST STUDENT

You mean I can be euphoric for only

twenty bucks?

SECOND STUDENT

That's what it says here.

THIRD STUDENT

Hey, it's a bargain. The last time I was euphoric I had to lay out a hundred bucks

for herpes ointment.

FIRST STUDENT

(takes out pen)

What's that address again? I'll risk a

twenty for a shot at euphoria.

Others chime in. "Me, too!" "Damn right!" Etc.

INT. DAY. HOME OF AVERAGE MAN.

MAN

(with paper)

Will ya look at this, Martha? They're

advertising drugs right here in the

goddam paper now, for Christ's sake!

MAN (cont’d)

Next thing you know, they'll deliver the

stuff like goddam pizza!

Wife replies OS. Man mutters half-aloud and looks at ad again. He looks surreptitiously over edge of paper in the direction of his wife and sneaks a twenty from his pocket. He is copying address as we leave him.

INT. DAY. HALLWAY IN LARGE OFFICE BUILDING.

CAMERA on door leading into offices. Lettering indicates this is local office of the Drug Enforcement Administration.

INT. D.E.A. OFFICE.

Agents HOGAN and MEYERS at desks. Hogan is reading a newspaper.

HOGAN

Hey, Ben, look at this goddam ad here.

(holds paper aloft)

This guy's got a full-page ad for a new drug!

MEYERS

What? Let me see that.

(takes paper)

Jesus Christ, they get bolder every day.

Check this asshole out. Get some of

this Euphoria and run it through the lab.

HOGAN

Right.

(hesitates)

Uh, gimme twenty bucks.

MEYERS

What for?

HOGAN

So I can send for a hit of this Euphoria shit.

MEYERS

Oh. Well, take it out of our slush fund.

Hogan digs cigar box out of desk drawer and opens it. He tips contents out on desk and we see two crumpled dollar bills and some change along with paper clips, rubber bands, etc.

HOGAN

(disgusted)

Shit! No wonder we never make any

progress in the war on drugs. We can't

come up with a lousy twenty bucks to make

a buy.

MEYERS

Is that all we got in there?

(searches pockets)

You got any money?

HOGAN

Hell, no. I'm a goddam cop. You want

money, go see Dr. Brody.

(searches pockets)

He's the asshole with all the money.

(checks contents

of pockets)

All I got is some paper clips and lint.

NEYERS

Shit, let me see here...

Meyers starts rummaging through drawers and we cut away.

INT. DAY. THE POST OFFICE.

Clerk is on phone. He has an agitated mien.

CLERK

Hello? Dr. Brody? This is Parker at

the post office. Listen, you know that

` box you ordered yesterday? Well, I don't

think it's gonna be big enough.

CAMERA follows his gaze and we see a huge pile of stuffed mail sacks.

CLERK

Yeah, you better get on over here right

away. And bring some help.

Clerk hangs up and looks at pile of mail. He shakes his head.

EXT. DAY. DAVE PULLS INTO POST OFFICE PARKING LOT.

Dave and Fred jump from car and hurry into post office.

DAVE

(at window)

I'm Brody. I'm here to get my mail.

CLERK

Boy, are we glad to see you. Did you

bring a truck?

DAVE

I'll need a truck?

CLERK

(grimly)

Either that or you're gonna make a

helluva lot of trips. C'mere.

Clerk calls them around counter and into back where they spot huge mound of mail sacks.

FRED

Holy shit!

DAVE

Is that all mine?

CLERK

Yep. Where do you want it?

DAVE

Christ, I can't get all that mail in my car, for God's sake.

CLERK

I don't know about that, but you gotta

get it the hell out of here.

FRED

Can't you guys deliver it for us?

CLERK

We don't deliver mail from boxes. You

have to pick it up yourself.

DAVE

(takes clerk aside)

Listen, pal, just between us, could

you have this stuff delivered to my

place for two hundred bucks?

CLERK

Two hundred? You got yourself a deal!

(officiously,

to idlers)

Okay, boys, let's load this stuff up and

get it out of here.

They commence carrying mail through door while Dave slips clerk cash. Dave turns to Fred.

DAVE

Jesus Christ, the whole goddam town

must have answered our ad!

FRED

Think we're getting in over our

heads?

DAVE

Well, even if we are it's too late now.

(starts out)

Come on, we've got work to do.

INT. DAY. DAVE'S LAB.

Dave, Fred, Tom, Jack, Mary, and Sheila are seen working feverishly as they stuff pills into envelopes. Money and checks are stacked everywhere.

MARY

We'll never catch up this way. We

need a better system.

JACK

Yeah. We need machines, automation,

a modern packaging plant.

DAVE

(putting down

crate of pills)

Go buy us one, Jack.

JACK

Just like that?

DAVE

Sure. Don't we need one? Well, go buy us one.

JACK

You mean right now?

DAVE

Damn right. Don't worry about the

cost. We'll have it paid for by the

first of the month anyway.

JACK

All right! I know just the place. There's

a small plant downtown that ships

stuff for Goliath Chemicals. It's perfect.

Jack starts out and Dave stops him.

DAVE

(pointing to

pile of cash)

Hey, Jack, grab fifteen or twenty grand

for a down payment to show 'em we

mean business.

JACK

Oh, yeah. good idea.

He scoops up bundles of cash and stuffs them into his pockets and heads for door.

TOM

(to Dave)

That takes care of our shipping problems,

but we still have to deal with those

guys at the D.E.A. They read the paper,

too, you know.

DAVE

That's your department, Tom. Get us

a fleet of lawyers as soon as they

make a move.

TOM

(grinning)

I haven't had so much fun in years.

FRED

Hey, you guys! Cut the gab and get

to work.

(gestures at mail)

How are we going to get these orders

filled if you stand around shooting the

breeze all day?

MARY

Fred's right. Get those envelopes addressed

so I can fill 'em with Euphoria.

TOM

(drawing self up)

You can't talk to me like that, Miss

Atkins. I'll have you know I'm an

executive in this outfit.

MARY

(firmly)

If you don't start addressing those

envelopes, I'll...!

TOM

(hurrying to work)

Okay, okay. I can take a hint.

Dave surveys the carnage around him and shakes his head. He turns and goes to his desk.

EXT. DAY. SCIENCE BUILDING PARKING LOT.

Dave pulls into lot and a crowd of reporters surrounds him. Dave starts from his car and spots crowd rushing toward him.

DAVE

(startled)

Uh, oh!

He ducks back into car and locks doors. Reporters are all around him hollering questions and waving notebooks. Dave spots Sheila at back of crowd. He rolls window down a bit.

DAVE

What the hell do you guys want?

REPORTER

We want to know about Euphoria!

REPORTER TWO

Yeah! What's in it? How does it work?

How'd you discover it?

A US mail truck is backing up to the sidewalk and reporters see it. Some shout about another load of money being delivered and reporters turn to look at it. Dave seizes the opportunity and leaps from his car and makes a dash for his lab.

INT. LAB.

Dave runs into lab with Sheila close behind. Reporters are hot on their trail.

DAVE

Where'd these guys come from?

SHEILA

They're reporters. You're a news item

now. Didn't you know this would happen?

The reporters enter lab and commence shouting questions. Dave holds up hands for silence and speaks when clamor dies down.

DAVE

Okay, okay, one at a time!

REPORTER ONE

Dr. Brody, can you tell us what's in Euphoria?

DAVE

(firmly)

No.

REPORTER TWO

What does it do?

DAVE

It makes you feel good.

REPORTER THREE

Is that all?

DAVE

Isn't that enough?

REPORTER FOUR

What about the drug laws? Is this stuff

really legal?

DAVE

Yes, it's legal.

REPORTER ONE

How do you know that?

DAVE

Because my lawyer says so.

REPORTER TWO

Wait a minute. How does Euphoria make

you feel good?

DAVE

Look, I can't describe what it does.

How do you describe euphoria? The

only way to find out is to try some

yourself.

(reaches into crate)

Here, try some.

He brings out handful of blue pills and offers them to reporters. They each take one and eye it apprehensively.

DAVE

(urging)

Go on, have one. It won't hurt you.

It's on the house.

REPORTER ONE

(uncertainly)

Well...

REPORTER TWO

What the hell, why not?

He tosses down pill and others follow suit. They all wobble noticeably and the same slow smile spreads across each face as the stuff hits home.

REPORTER THREE

(softly)

Wow!

REPORTER FOUR

(awed)

Yeah!

Reporters slowly make their way from lab smiling broadly as they go. Dave and Sheila watch them leave.

DAVE

That's one way to deal with the press.

SHEILA

I can't wait to see the stories they

file tomorrow. You'll be a local hero.

DAVE

Local hero isn't good enough. We need

world wide acclaim–or Euphoria does.

We can't stop until the whole world is euphoric.

SHEILA

At the rate we're going, that won't long.

(businesslike)

Right now we've got envelopes to

stuff. Come on.

DAVE

Wait a minute here. We're so worried about

everyone else's euphoria we're forgetting

              &